Introduction

I was raised in a cult. I left when I went to college, but didn't really process any of that. I became Catholic and have been slowly losing my patience with the Church over the sex abuse crisis. When my successful weight loss triggered painful traumatic events from my past, I realized that the dysfunctional religion I was raised in had hurt me as much as my dysfunctional family. Now I'm smashing idols to see if any treasure remains among the rubble. It's a messy process.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

Scumbag Brain

My brain apparently only has two settings on the old self-esteem spectrum. On the one extreme is the "Worthless" pole. I tend to second guess myself a lot. I don't feel confident in decisions. I can really berate myself and start feeling like I'm not (nor will I ever be) good enough. I'm too fat, I'm too old, I'm too clumsy. Whatever you can think of, I've probably been paralyzed for a while trying to think my way out of it. But then, on the other hand, when I think I'm honestly evaluating the feedback I've gotten from other people, and I start to feel okay about myself, then that's when my brain kicks into high gear and I get the other scumbag brain attitude treatment. "Who the hell do you think YOU are?" "Why are you being such a know-it-all?" "G-d you're so embarrassing." Had one of those panic attacks earlier in the day and it was really unpleasant.
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2 comments:

  1. Jasmine @ Heart in FormationOctober 8, 2015 at 5:16 PM

    Thanks for sharing, Spikes ;)
    Worthless...I hear you...but on your other side of the pole I see something pretty awesome. My other side is: Yeah Me! (followed quickly by: Get Down, B...) In your opposite side I see self reflection and opportunity for dialogue (sorry, that sounds way too scientific). I mean: "who the hell do you think you are" could be followed by, Im God's Kid and He loved me enough to let me be free, f-it all up, and still go Home. (score for identity!) and "Why are you being such a know-it-all?" I see an honest call to humility. Sure, you may know it all, but you can be kind and gentle about it, like God--cause if anyone is a "know it all" it's sure Him. He could slam us moment by moment with how stuff actually should be. But instead He lets us live and do it how we like.... too good for me...
    Love from Holland,
    Jasmine

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  2. UnknownMay 24, 2016 at 4:35 AM

    Seems I somehow lost your blog for a while. I read this last October and then did not see your more recent posts until today. They are fucking fantastic, and I'm glad I finally caught up. I can tell you that you are brave and brilliant and that your writing is visceral and touching and genuine, but in case none of that gets past your scumbag brain filter let me also tell you that you suck less every time I read your stuff, and sometimes you make me cry. Rock on.

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