Therapeutic Letter to My Younger Self

Dear Tracey,

Hi. I wanted to introduce myself. I'm Traci too (spelled differently) and I'm actually you, but I'm from the future. I know that right now there is a lot of really confusing stuff going on in your life. There are people who are scary and who are hurting you, but you can't get away from them, and you can't even feel how angry you really are. There are other people who are nice and loving, but they do confusing things you don't like and you can't stop that. There are bullies at school, and you don't have a lot of friends.

I know that you feel really bad sometimes. I know that a lot of the time, you don't feel anything at all. I know that you spend a lot of time hiding from the world and reading because it's just a lot nicer between the covers of a book. You'll enjoy reading for a long, long time, even when the world around you is a whole lot less scary. And that's the really important thing I came to talk to you about: it does get better. A lot better.

One day, you'll leave. You'll move away, and you'll go to college. It won't be like a fairy tale, where everything's magically okay instantly, but over time, you'll learn how to deal with the scary, ugly feelings. And once you've felt them, they'll change. They'll be easier to bear. They'll even go away. When you do leave, you'll start finding people who get you, who understand and speak the same language. They'll value and love the same things you value and love.

When you're older, you will have resources that you don't now. When someone hurts you now, you haven't got a lot of choices. But that will change when you're older. You'll be able to walk away. You'll be able to call the cops if the situation warrants that. The world isn't perfect, people still suck sometimes, but you'll learn to trust your instincts. You'll be able to protect yourself, and you'll be resilient enough to deal with the occasional bad stuff that happens.

One more thing I want to talk about is G-d. (I leave the "o" out because some Jewish friends taught me that it was about respecting the name of G-d.) G-d is really scary and confusing to you right now. They tell you that G-d loves you, but that you are so bad that G-d is going to burn you in hell forever and ever. They tell you that the reason your eyes don't work properly is because of demons. They've told you that you have the devil inside you and that you're bad. And I know that's why you keep going up at Altar Call every time. Look, that stuff just isn't true. It's not. Your eyes don't work because of normal human stuff, and they're not going to get fixed for a long, long time because the people taking care of you are stupid and bad. That's all there is to it. And I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could take you away and help you now, but I can't because I don't exist yet. I will though. You will grow into me, and then together we'll fix this stuff.

And I don't think Hell is real either. We are finite human beings who live an incredibly short time on this planet. There isn't anything that you could do in one short human lifetime that would warrant an eternity of suffering and punishment that never, ever ends. I mean, a good parent (take my word for it) tries to always make the consequence fit the misbehavior. That means that if you yell and scream at your parents because you're angry and frustrated, a good parent will put you in time out. It's like sitting in the corner, only you go to your room without playing, and you just sit for a bit so your mad gets smaller and then the thinking part of your brain comes back online and you can problem solve. The amount of time in time out varies, but it's generally equal to one minute for every year old you are. So right now, if a good parent gave you a time out, it would be for seven or eight minutes.

Similarly, if a kid destroys something on purpose, a good parent will make them make restitution. That means that you replace what you broke. You might have to do extra chores to earn the money to replace the item, or you might lose your allowance for a while. But the point is, that there's an end to it, and it's proportional. You do something a little bad, you get a little consequence. You do something really bad, you get a big consequence. There isn't anything bad enough that humans can do that deserves an eternity of torture. So, you can ignore Jimmy Swaggart and his stupid Red Album. I know it still scares you. I know. But that will get better too. I promise.

I don't know if there's really a G-d. But I do know that the world is a really nice and beautiful place and it is full of things that are so pretty they will make it hard for you to breathe, just looking at them. I know that people hurt each other. Some people do it accidentally, and some really bad people do it on purpose. I know that other people help though. There are people who literally just love everyone so much, they dedicate their whole lives and their fortunes to making the world a better place. And then there are the people who do smaller things to help make the world a better place.

One day, you'll find someone who loves you so much, and you'll make a family together. And he will be a good, kind husband and an awesome Daddy to your kids. And you will be a good, good Mommy. You'll recognize when your kids need help, and you'll get it for them. You'll protect them, and you'll have people that you are related to. You'll have a tribe made up of your own family and your friends, and it will be wonderful. You will one day know people all over the planet who understand you and like you. And you'll like them too. You'll be there for each other. It's all out there waiting for you.

For now, just hang on. Dream your dreams and know that The Middle of Nowhere, Oklahoma isn't the end of your story. It's ugly, and harsh, and full of the dumb. But one day you'll escape. It will be in stages, but it will happen. I have to go now, but I'll write to you again. You can write to me too. I'll get your letters. I'll read them. I love you so much. I think you're brave, and resourceful, and so very, very smart. You'll be okay. I wish I could do more, but the nature of time makes it impossible. Just know that I think you're awesome. Listen to that, and not the ugly words that you hear sometimes from people that suck, okay?

Traci

Therapeutic Letter to G-d - Part 2

So, last time we were talking about the improbable fact of your existence. And how it just doesn't seem overwhelming.

There are things that I have experienced that seem like they were miraculous though. I don't have sufficient data to prove anything in a court of law, but they're convincing to me, most of the time. So, I'm stuck with "you might not be real, you might be real, if you're real, I have significant problems with some of the stuff you do, if you're not real, is the religious experience mostly good or mostly bad", pretty much. Really complicated.

Sometimes I want to just yell at you, and I do. I think it's important, whether you exist or not that people yell and scream and be honest. I'm sick to death of pretending that I have to be so fucking perfect, and only feel the acceptable things. Well, you know what? What happened to me was unacceptable. So if some unacceptable feelings come out of it, tough. If you exist, and you're G-d, and you set this stuff up the way you did, then you can just freaking DEAL if people get hurt and are mad at you.

Another thing I really hate, I hate the way people use you as a giant, cosmic multi-tool. "Oh, you're sad? Jesus." "You're angry? Jesus." "You have a difficult relationship? Jesus." "You want to know what to do with your life? Jesus." It makes me so frustrated. A lot of people use you to avoid dealing with their own shit because Magic Happy Fun Time Jesus is going to just take care of that anyway, so why put any effort out? It's really annoying. I see it in politics, I see it in interpersonal relationships, I see it freaking everywhere.

I don't know if there's a part three in there somewhere. Maybe. I don't know if this gets less complicated. I don't know if I can come back. There's a whole hell of a lot of "I don't know." in my identity right now, and I think I'm just learning to sit with that. Yeah.

Therapeutic Letter to G-d - Part 1

First of all, let me preface this by saying that I don't even know if you're real any more. Honestly, I guess I never "knew", but I sure thought I could and did know. I felt emotions, saw connections, and had a community. Sure, when I was a kid most of it consisted of "I am so bad and the fact that G-d loves me anyway is nothing less than a miracle.", but it was something. Now, I don't know if there's anything beyond human need and imagination.

The things that happened to me in your name were awful. And I'm not sure I buy the explanation that I've been offered: that you value free will so much that you will allow humans to do anything they want to each other without any interference from you. I mean, if that's true, dude, you have one hell of a free-will fetish. And the amount of evil allowed by that requires a hell of an explanation. Especially since that wasn't your MO in the bible. I mean, you intervened all over the place back then. Sending BEARS to eat children who teased your prophet?? Dude. That was over the top, no? Although, to be fair, if some fucking bears had shown up to eat Sherry Mattheson when she kept pushing my head in the toilet when I was in fourth grade, I would have thought that was awesome at the time.

New Testament You didn't really slow down any. Water into wine, miraculous healings all over the place, tongues of fire, and REAL speaking in other languages, none of that stupid emotional babbling that the Pentecostals claim is the Holy Ghost; you were bending the laws of reality all the time then. What happened? You can't spare one lousy smiting for a pedophile? (Okay, granted, given the scope of the problem, you'd probably be spending hours and hours smiting all over the damned place, but still!) And besides, you're the one who claimed that if anyone put a stumbling block in the way of a child it would be better that they be drowned in the sea with a millstone hung around their neck. Pardon me for wanting to see some millstones.

The real problem I have is with prayer. We're told to do it. Do it all the time. Pray without ceasing. And we're told, specifically, BY YOU, NO LESS, to ask for what we want and what we need. We are told specifically to ask to be healed. And yet, people are still DYING because they asked to be healed and you didn't do it. What about that fish and serpent, bread and stone thing that Jesus brought up?

I've read through the whole bible eight times so far. There's a lot of confusing crap in there. I've asked for guidance, prayed for guidance, and studied more. I've talked to Muslims too. There's a whole lot of confusing crap in their scriptures. It's almost like they were written by finite, fallible human beings over centuries in different places with different agendas, and then ascribed to you instead of, you know, being inerrant and all.

I think pretty much every group of people in every place and time have had a concept of a divine creator and ruler. And a whole lot of them claim that they, and only they, have a lead on The Truth! That's just not possible. It's not possible for every single little splinter group of humanity to have the one and only truth that everyone, everywhere, everywhen has to believe or suffer the consequences. I guess it's kind of like the Highlander: There can be only one! (or none, I suppose none is a logical option.) And what a person believes is correlated most strongly with the community one is born into. That's a damned inefficient way to disseminate The Truth, innit? Of course, then we have war. Brutally efficient way to distribute The Truth, but kinda opposed to any kind of decency at all.

(to be continued)