Why Breaking Up With Jesus?

Why use the language of a shattered relationship instead of simply saying that I don't believe any more? Penn Jillette, of Penn and Teller, famously says that he is not an atheist because Christians treated him badly, he is not an atheist because he's angry with G-d, but rather that he is an atheist because there is no G-d. That's the story of a lot of unbelievers, but it's not my story.

I was steeped in Christianity before I could speak. I converted to Catholicism over two decades ago. For me, this is the ending of a relationship. Sure, it's ending because I'm convinced *now* that it was a fantasy, but it's still something ending. And I'm experiencing that end as a loss.

There are many unbelievers who experience leaving their former faith as personal freedom. The pain for them comes from the way they are treated by those in their circles who still believe. Again, that is not my story, that is not my experience. For me, I am as supported now by my close friends and family as I ever was before. The Christians who would have turned their backs on me and rejected me for this have already turned their backs on me and rejected me because I wasn't the exact right kind of Christian for them. And as far as personal freedom, I already do pretty much what I wish and what I believe is right. Again, as Penn Jillette has famously answered the hypothetical question "If you don't believe in G-d, what keeps you from raping and murdering all you want?" with "I already rape and murder all I want. And the amount I want is zero. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I was staunchly pro-life as a believer, I am perhaps even more so now that I believe that there is nothing more beyond this life. At least as a believer I could console myself with the fact that somewhere was a Love and a Presence who was keeping track and who would make everything right in the end. I was a pacifist before, I am as much or more so now that I believe that when we kill someone we destroy them utterly, not just destroy their body yet leave their true self remaining somehow. My sexual ethics are unchanged. I still believe that sex is best, most fulfilling within the context of a committed relationship where the participants are honest, vulnerable and intimate with each other on every level possible. I still believe that someone else's sexual preferences become my business only at the point that they want to have sex with me. I still believe that sex is only ethical between persons who are equal in power and control, whether that power and control is seen through age, experience level, intellectual ability, emotional maturity, or any other factor.

So, sorry to disappoint everyone, but I won't be running around naked fucking everything that moves, toking up, swigging rum, shooting people in the face and screaming "FREEDOM!"

The loss for me is the Fantasy Jesus who was with me through every difficulty in life, who knew me better than I could know myself, who loved me more than I could love myself. That intimacy, and that felt sense of belonging is unimaginably hard to give up.