Therapeutic Letter to My Younger Self

Dear Tracey,

Hi. I wanted to introduce myself. I'm Traci too (spelled differently) and I'm actually you, but I'm from the future. I know that right now there is a lot of really confusing stuff going on in your life. There are people who are scary and who are hurting you, but you can't get away from them, and you can't even feel how angry you really are. There are other people who are nice and loving, but they do confusing things you don't like and you can't stop that. There are bullies at school, and you don't have a lot of friends.

I know that you feel really bad sometimes. I know that a lot of the time, you don't feel anything at all. I know that you spend a lot of time hiding from the world and reading because it's just a lot nicer between the covers of a book. You'll enjoy reading for a long, long time, even when the world around you is a whole lot less scary. And that's the really important thing I came to talk to you about: it does get better. A lot better.

One day, you'll leave. You'll move away, and you'll go to college. It won't be like a fairy tale, where everything's magically okay instantly, but over time, you'll learn how to deal with the scary, ugly feelings. And once you've felt them, they'll change. They'll be easier to bear. They'll even go away. When you do leave, you'll start finding people who get you, who understand and speak the same language. They'll value and love the same things you value and love.

When you're older, you will have resources that you don't now. When someone hurts you now, you haven't got a lot of choices. But that will change when you're older. You'll be able to walk away. You'll be able to call the cops if the situation warrants that. The world isn't perfect, people still suck sometimes, but you'll learn to trust your instincts. You'll be able to protect yourself, and you'll be resilient enough to deal with the occasional bad stuff that happens.

One more thing I want to talk about is G-d. (I leave the "o" out because some Jewish friends taught me that it was about respecting the name of G-d.) G-d is really scary and confusing to you right now. They tell you that G-d loves you, but that you are so bad that G-d is going to burn you in hell forever and ever. They tell you that the reason your eyes don't work properly is because of demons. They've told you that you have the devil inside you and that you're bad. And I know that's why you keep going up at Altar Call every time. Look, that stuff just isn't true. It's not. Your eyes don't work because of normal human stuff, and they're not going to get fixed for a long, long time because the people taking care of you are stupid and bad. That's all there is to it. And I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could take you away and help you now, but I can't because I don't exist yet. I will though. You will grow into me, and then together we'll fix this stuff.

And I don't think Hell is real either. We are finite human beings who live an incredibly short time on this planet. There isn't anything that you could do in one short human lifetime that would warrant an eternity of suffering and punishment that never, ever ends. I mean, a good parent (take my word for it) tries to always make the consequence fit the misbehavior. That means that if you yell and scream at your parents because you're angry and frustrated, a good parent will put you in time out. It's like sitting in the corner, only you go to your room without playing, and you just sit for a bit so your mad gets smaller and then the thinking part of your brain comes back online and you can problem solve. The amount of time in time out varies, but it's generally equal to one minute for every year old you are. So right now, if a good parent gave you a time out, it would be for seven or eight minutes.

Similarly, if a kid destroys something on purpose, a good parent will make them make restitution. That means that you replace what you broke. You might have to do extra chores to earn the money to replace the item, or you might lose your allowance for a while. But the point is, that there's an end to it, and it's proportional. You do something a little bad, you get a little consequence. You do something really bad, you get a big consequence. There isn't anything bad enough that humans can do that deserves an eternity of torture. So, you can ignore Jimmy Swaggart and his stupid Red Album. I know it still scares you. I know. But that will get better too. I promise.

I don't know if there's really a G-d. But I do know that the world is a really nice and beautiful place and it is full of things that are so pretty they will make it hard for you to breathe, just looking at them. I know that people hurt each other. Some people do it accidentally, and some really bad people do it on purpose. I know that other people help though. There are people who literally just love everyone so much, they dedicate their whole lives and their fortunes to making the world a better place. And then there are the people who do smaller things to help make the world a better place.

One day, you'll find someone who loves you so much, and you'll make a family together. And he will be a good, kind husband and an awesome Daddy to your kids. And you will be a good, good Mommy. You'll recognize when your kids need help, and you'll get it for them. You'll protect them, and you'll have people that you are related to. You'll have a tribe made up of your own family and your friends, and it will be wonderful. You will one day know people all over the planet who understand you and like you. And you'll like them too. You'll be there for each other. It's all out there waiting for you.

For now, just hang on. Dream your dreams and know that The Middle of Nowhere, Oklahoma isn't the end of your story. It's ugly, and harsh, and full of the dumb. But one day you'll escape. It will be in stages, but it will happen. I have to go now, but I'll write to you again. You can write to me too. I'll get your letters. I'll read them. I love you so much. I think you're brave, and resourceful, and so very, very smart. You'll be okay. I wish I could do more, but the nature of time makes it impossible. Just know that I think you're awesome. Listen to that, and not the ugly words that you hear sometimes from people that suck, okay?

Traci