Subtext is of the Devil

Way back in the day, when my husband and I were just friends and I was dating someone else, my boyfriend and I had a terse exchange in front of him. After my boyfriend walked off (kinda in a huff), My Beloved asked me "What's up with that?" I shrugged and said "You know. subtext." He looked confused and said "No." I sighed and said "You know, when you have something going on between the two of you, and neither of you is really willing to talk about it, but it keeps coming out in little ways in unrelated conversations and stuff?" He looked blank and then said "When I have a relationship, there won't be any subtext." I said "How you planning on pulling that off, Dude?" He said "We will just always be 100% totally honest with each other no matter what and then there won't ever be a chance for any subtext." I laughed in his face and said "You are so fucking naive. That is NEVER going to work." He confidently said "Oh yes it will."

Fourteen years later, it's working. And what's more, it's made me absolutely intolerant of anything less. I refuse to play head games. I cannot abide friendships that aren't brave and open enough for people to say what they mean, be who they really are, and ask for what they want, even if the answer is no. Radical honesty isn't easy. It's damned hard. It means having to admit when I fuck up, and oh man do I fuck up more than I wish. It means having to own my own crap instead of pulling the "You made me feel X" BS. It means having to talk about sex instead of just shut down and go along because it's easier, quicker, and he probably wouldn't be able to tell I was faking it anyway. But it's worth it. We've come through really scary stuff together, and we're still good.

I'm going through something now that's scary, and I want to fall back on my radical honesty, but I'm still nervous pulling that out on other Not-Husband people. I'm scared of what happens if the recipient doesn't yet understand how freeing it is. Scared of what will happen if My view point is deemed too threatening. At this point I don't think it matters though, because honestly? At this point I don't think I'm capable of playing it any different way.